And I can't fight this feeling anymore....

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So help me out here, am I the only person that gets that "if I have to take this one more day I am going to cut off someone's foot and stick it up their behind!"? Well maybe not THAT exact phrase, but you catch my drift.
Now a man, sorry but its true guys, would just say its PMS or something. But the fact of the matter is, I don't get PMS that much do to that fact that I am broken - even if the Dr says everything is normal, its not. Now, before you post that "everyone gets PMS" comment, I have the normal highs and lows of any PERSON'S biological cycle (yes men, you too get hormonal); but this particular version of grumpiness has nothing to do with that. This is the "my life is in someone else's hands" version of grumpiness. I can't shake the feeling, and there are only two things I really want to do: sleep and ....ok one thing. Nothing else is even all that appealing to me. And I am avoiding sleep because once I lay down I don't want to get up no matter how much I have to. Poor Carly and Josh, I am not exactly supermom but on a normal day to day basis I am somewhat nice and cuddly, but not for the past few days. I'm more like "don't look at me funny or you might meet the corner". And Eric, he has that deer in the headlights look about him.
I have tried to tell myself to snap out of it, be thankful for all I have, etc etc. But the cold hard truth is the constant fear is just overpowering. The constant reminders that I'm not, we're not, "good enough" because we make mistakes and aren't the best money managers and we don't take a billion parenting classes each month. Its ridiculous. And IF they take Carly, which is THE looming threat, it would be my own fault for not living up to these ridiculous expectations. MY OWN FAULT!
Maybe that's the thing, I can't get past the blame part. As much as I want to shift it off on the "system" or the "agency" or "anything but me", I can't shake the feeling that I am to blame for it all. I can play the if game all day with myself: If we had been able to have more kids, if we had kept our credit sparkling clean, if we had never bought house number 1 that sits empty and sucks up money, if we had saved more, if if if.
So, dear readers, the few of you brave enough to keep reading this far, how do I pull myself out of the ifs and back on to solid ground?? I know, oh wise friends, you must have a way.

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